Dear Visiting Drivers and Residents,
Attached please find instructions designed to refresh your knowledge of the rules of the road. We expect upon completion of this reading many distressing, stressful, and illegal habits suddenly devastating our little neighborhood will cease. It is best to meet our expectations!
IT’S A STOP SIGN
It is a law. Not a suggestion.
Brake your car until it ceases moving. Count three. Proceed.
If someone is at the other Stop sign and you are on the right: WAIT
If someone is at the other Stop sign and you are opposite: WAIT
If someone is at the other Stop sign and you are on the left: REALLY FUCKING WAIT.
Note: these instructions vary from CA DMV because you people are not adept enough to even follow those.
IT’S MY REAR BUMPER
It is not a carrot I am dangling to entice you.
Count to three before proceeding to follow me. If your car is closer than a single car length to my rear bumper, STOP. You are not closing the gap. You are tailgating. This time, I will pull over to let you pass and then follow you faster and closer than a David Lynch road rage nightmare. If you do it again, I will stop dead in front of you. You will ram me. It will be your fault.
IT’S A WORKING ROADWAY
Walk FACING oncoming traffic if you are walking in the road. Especially if you are walking a dog. You need to see what’s coming at you, and you need to not just rely on the people you can’t see behind you to avoid hitting you. You also need to avoid straying and swaying into the driving area, which is easy when you can see obstacles approaching, and nearly impossible when you can’t.
IT’S A LEFT TURN
The person making it does not have the right of way. EVER. Don’t wave me through. It’s not your permission to give.
We appreciate your attention to and immediate compliance with these reminders of rule and law. Thank you,
The Mgt.